From: Haldir < haldominion@crazysexycool.com >
To: Lainie < ********@tiscali.co.uk >
Sent: ??
Subject: :(

Hi sweetie! I’ve missed you, I’ve missed you terribly, I’ve missed you all! I wish I were back! I know I sound ungrateful, but I do! I hate it here! It’s so lonely, and … I just miss you guys! At least there I can be myself.

It’s different here. I hate it. Last night E and I had this fight… well, misunderstanding… he said something to me… something really hurtful… and I couldn’t take it so I ran out and hid in a spare room cos I couldn’t bear to be near him after what he said. And it was awful, I was so lonely, and I didn’t know what to do! I was scared to death of being found. He thought I had gone missing and made the ship stop and called a search, and I hated it! I just wanted to be alone! I couldn’t bear to be found. But there’s only so long you can go missing on a ship. I hid in the cupboard, and one of the crew found me and called him.

And E panicked when he saw me like that. He kept going on about how cold my hands were. I think he was afraid I was fading again. I don’t know if I was. I just know it hurt. At that time I just couldn’t decide. I wanted to just climb down the side of the ship and hide beneath the waters where they wouldn’t find me, but I was afraid. I knew if I did hide overboard it would be so tempting to just let go of the ladder… and I was afraid of what might happen if I did. What if I did and I came to regret it when it was too late? And then I just wanted to fade, but then I didn’t want to either cos then I would never see him again. And then I wanted to scratch myself, you know, to just tear at my hair and claw my face and cut my arms but if I did that it would leave scars, and that would make me ugly, and then Elrond wouldn’t want me anymore. And then I sat down and cried cos even my body was his possession, I didn’t even dare to destroy myself because I was afraid he would hate me for it. And then I heard them look for me and I was so afraid of being found so I hid in the cupboard.

But they found me, and he came and started fussing over me and I just wanted to scream at him to go away but I didn’t have any voice left to speak, I was so drained I could hardly lift my head. And then… and *then* he asked someone to give me some anti-depressants, and I just go so mad I pushed him away and started screaming at him. How dare he? How DARE he! How could he hurt me like this and then just… *brush me off*?!? I was so mad! How come suddenly *I* am the one with the problem? HE started it, HE said those things, HE hurt me, and then he can happily just trivialize the way I feel and think a bit of medicine will just make it go away? I mean, I know it helps with the pms and all (mine is erratic. It lasts anywhere from two weeks to three months), but how could he do this to me! How can he just dismiss the way I feel?!? I hate him!

And when I screamed at him he went away, and I don’t know whether I was relieved or hurt that he did. I just fell into bed, I was so tired, and I must have cried, only I don’t remember anything. Ivan came up after some time. Thank Elbereth he’s here on the trip, Ivan, Vernice (his wife) and his two kids. And lesz. And a handful of other helpers. It turned out that the cruise was delayed a few days cos of some harbour admin, and Lesz came back early, and well… I don’t know how they ended up here, but I’m glad they did. At least I have some people I know around me.

Ivan came, and let me rest my head on his knee and stroked my hair, and I felt like I was a child again, and he was my tutor, and I calmed down, I calmed down a lot. I wasn’t frantic anymore, but it still hurt so I took out my dagger and slashed myself down my arm, and then I didn’t feel hurt anymore, only anger so I stabbed my arm a few times till I got it all out of my system, and then I cried, but then I felt better.

And Ivan didn’t stop me, I don’t know why. I think maybe it was because I told him not to. I did, really I did, I told him not to worry, I wasn’t suicidal, I didn’t want to slash myself so I’d bleed to death, only so that I would have something to focus on besides the hurt. I think he’s known me long enough. He knows I heal well. Already the wounds are starting to close up. My arm will be sore for a few days, but there will not be any lasting damage. I am an elf after all.

He bandaged my arm, and then he left, but after he left the lonliness and the helplessness came back, and I took the dagger again, only this time I didn’t want to hurt myself, I wanted to hurt Elrond. So I took my dagger and looked for him, but when I found him all I did was whisper “I want to kill you” before I dropped the dagger and cried cos I wanted to hurt him so badly, I just wanted him to feel some of the pain he inflicted on me, but I love him so much, and I don’t want him to be hurt. And so I cried and he held me, and we made up, and that was over.

But then today at lunch I needed the company so I sat with his servants, and we played cards and E eventually joined us and it was so fun. And then we had lunch, and it was pasta, and we were going to have a food fight, so I rolled up my sleeves, and then they saw the ugly marks on my arm, and everything stopped and I wanted to cry. Why couldn’t things just be normal? We were having fun, but now they look at me as if I were some kind of invalid. I cant stand it! I just want to go home, I want to just run. I feel trapped, and there’s nowhere for me to hide here on the ship. Ivan and Vernice are nice, I feel safe with them, but they’re not elven and they’re not family. They’re human, and they’re his employees, and I’m their superior and it’s so compliated! I like Vernice. She’s motherly. I go to her when I just need a hug, and she wont look at me weird when I do. oh, I don’t know. I wish you were here. I wish all of you were here. I’ll be glad to get back to Scotland. Please visit us soon. I’m afraid I’ll go bonkers if you don’t.

~Haldir



===
I pick all my shirts to be a little too… sexy
Just like all my thoughts always get a bit… naughty
When I’m with the guys I always play a bit …bitchy
Can’t change the way I am; sexy, naughty, bitchy me.